I’d Really Rather You Didn’ts
In the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, Captain Mosey the pirate was given ten stone tablets of guidance by the Flying Spaghetti Monster, known as the “I’d Really Rather You Didn’ts” or the "8 Condiments". While descending Mount Salsa, he dropped two of the tablets.
That mishap is said to explain why Pastafarian moral standards are somewhat relaxed.
~THREE~
I’d Really Rather You Didn’t
judge people for the way they look, or how they dress, or the way they talk, or, well, just play nice, okay?
Oh, and get this through your thick heads:
Woman = person. Man = person. Samey-samey.
One is not better than the other unless we’re talking about fashion and I’m sorry, but I gave that to women and some guys who know the difference between teal and fuchsia.
~ONE~​
I’d Really Rather
You Didn’t
act like a sanctimonious Holier-Than-Thou ass when describing my Noodly Goodness.
​
If some people don’t believe in Me,
that’s okay.
​
Really, I’m not that vain. Besides, this isn’t about them so don’t change the subject.
~TWO~
I’d Really Rather
You Didn’t
use my existence
as a means to oppress, subjugate, punish, eviscerate, and/or, you know …
be mean to others.
I don’t require sacrifices, and purity is for drinking water, not people.
~FIVE~
I’d Really Rather
You Didn’t
challenge the
bigoted,
misogynist,
hateful ideas of others on an empty stomach.
​
Eat, then go after
the bastards.
~SIX~
I’d Really Rather You Didn’t
build multimillion-dollar churches/temples/mosques/shrines
to my Noodly Goodness when the money could be better spent
(Take your pick):
​
1. Ending poverty
2. Curing diseases
3. Living in peace, loving with passion,
and lowering the cost of cable.
I might be a Complex-Carbohydrate Omniscient Being,
but I enjoy the simple things in life.
I ought to know. I AM the Creator.
~EIGHT~
I’d Really Rather
You Didn’t
“do unto others as you would have them do unto you”
if you are into, um, stuff that uses a lot of leather/lubricant/Las Vegas.
If the other person is into it, however (Pursuant to #4), then have at it, take pictures, and for the love of Mike, wear a CONDOM! Honestly, it’s a piece of rubber. If I didn’t want it to feel good when you did it I would have added spikes or something.
~FOUR~
I’d Really Rather
You Didn’t
indulge in conduct that offends yourself, or your willing, consenting partner of legal age
AND mental maturity.
As for anyone who might object, I think the expression is
"Go fuck yourself",
unless they find that offensive in which case they can turn off the TV for once and go for a walk for a change.
~SEVEN~
I’d Really Rather
You Didn’t
go around telling people
I talk to you.
​
You’re not that Interesting.
Get over yourself.
And I told you to
love your fellow man,
can’t you take a hint?
If ye find yerself caught in a storm of conscience, uncertain which course to sail, return to these Eight I’d Really Rather You Didn’ts. They be not chains forged to control the crew, but a compass to help guide it. Read them. Reflect on them. And when the seas of life grow rough, let them steer ye back toward kindness, reason, fairness, and good noodles.
This is the Whey.